There's a real stillness that descended upon the house this afternoon when the rain began. It felt like I hadn't heard rain like this in a while, and it caused me to slow down, take in the breeze through the windows and listen to the intermittent thunder claps. My actions paused for a bit and I felt myself becoming really slow. The calmness simply was good.
It's been a long time since I felt this kind of calm. Moving slow, feeling in good spirits, not anxious about anything, and feeling a sense of normalcy and no feelings of urgency. When you have such an upheaval of change like I have had this past year with the divorce, normalcy is a great feeling. But I really wanted that change, so it was completely self-inflicted, and saying you want change and making change are 2 different levels of stress. And ultimately I put a lot of energy into this change and part of it was having myself back again - the most tangible thing I have done to get myself back again was literally getting myself back again by reverting to my maiden name, which felt liberating. (Which is a tale itself about bureaucracy and inefficiency, but a story for another day...). But in the end now, I am very proud that I made the change I wanted to make in my life.
So I'm thinking about where I was a year ago at this time, and life was quite different. Everything was strange and new. The household was off kilter for the children. For me, old love was far gone, new love was blossoming. But the new love seemed so familiar as if experienced before, like we had been torn apart lives ago and were meeting again, finally, in this new life. So after time, it didn't seem so strange, new love seemed old, and it felt right and centered and destined to be on this course.
So these days, after a long emotional journey, the calmness is returning and I cry from joy. Pure joy and happiness has seemed elusive for me most of my life, not because I've had a horrible life but because I do not embrace it when it comes. I fear its ability to be fleeting and therefore opening my heart to happiness is surely enough to break it. But not this time. No, I am embracing it. I am smelling it. I am absorbing it. For as long as I have it.
Life can really sometimes be as complicated as you make it, at least when it comes to dealing with your own inner demons. How paradoxical to be afraid of pure happiness. It sounds silly and stupid to think it, write it and it feels downright spoiled to admit it. But after much introspection I've come to realize why I do it. I've spent a lot of time this year wallowing and fighting and being bitter and angry over people and things that wasted so much of my energy that I'm exhausted. It was a mistake for me to be this way, but I think it was just all part of the transitional process. The anger is receding, the acceptance is coming in, and part of me just doesn't give a damn anymore. The focus is being redirected.
I'm glad for the rain today. It centered me. And today is my favorite day of the week, Friday.
I am happy. Really happy.
